When To Call an Ambulance

No, you don't need to call 911 every time you or someone you know gets sick or injured. You need to realize that there's a time to call 911 and there's a time to suck it in and transport yourself.

Ambulances don't grow on trees. They usually sprout out of government funding, but only after the administrators get their company cars with lightbars that they never take to an emergency. There's a limited supply, and while you may think it's within your right as a tax payer to call whenever you encounter minor illness or injury, what you're doing is taking an ambulance away from somebody that may need it worse than you do.

When to call 911:

1. Chest pain - don't screw around with this one unless you're within 5 minutes from a hospital. It will take the ambulance 5 minutes or longer, in most cases, to get to you, and then they'll f*ck around getting your insurance and billing information when they DO get there, so just pop an Aspirin and have somebody drive your ass. You'll thank me later.

2. Profuse bleeding: - You do NOT want to mess up somebody else's car, or worse, your own, so call 911 if it's arterial or bleeding that can't be stopped with direct pressure. I'm not talking your average nosebleed here, either.

3. Unconscious - Try lugging dead weight out to your car and you'll see why I'm suggesting an ambulance here.

4. Stroke: Symptoms of a stroke include - headache, numbness/tingling, paralysis, slurred speech, drooping of facial muscles, etc. I once had a stroke victim that was able to understand every word I said and yet when communicating back to me, spoke every word backwards, or so it sounded. Call 911 for someone having a stroke. You don't want brain infarct on your conscience.

5. Gunshot/Stab Wounds - If you transport one of these people yourself, you're going to court. You want to stay out of court, especially if the poor bastard dies. In court, their only goal will be to pin the rap on you for your poor driving skills. If only you'd driven faster, taken a different route, etc., etc., etc. Avoid this one. Call 911 and let the professionals go to court.

6. Respiratory Distress: Ineffective breathing often leads to the more serious (though remarkably less anxiety producing) complication of death; not to mention the deleterious effect on one's ability to maintain a pleasant disposition. Call an ambulance for this cranky person, especially if gurgling is involved. Gurgling is bad. Very bad.

6. Dead - This goes without saying. Or... does it?

Disclaimer for the stupid: This list is not comprehensive and does not constitute medical advice. It was also written with serious tongue in cheek, which could be considered a medical emergency in itself, but one that most certainly does NOT require ambulance transport.

Posted by Cranky at July 26, 2002 03:16 PM