Usually, when telling someone you either are a paramedic, or were, the first thing they want to know is, "What's the worst thing you've ever seen?"
They expect me to talk about the decapitations, the amputations, the guts, the gore. Yes, there was all of that, but usually I respond with:
1. Vaginal Boil - Can you imagine calling 911 for a vaginal boil? Can you imagine being called to a home for a vaginal boil? Neither could I.
When I walked in to the dilapidated, 2 bedroom house in the lower income part of town, there she was - buck naked and spread eagle on the couch right inside the front door, welfare card in hand. There wasn't even time for preparation, or to get psyched up - there it was, staring me in the face, right when I walked in the door.
As she attempted to explain why she had a vaginal boil, I cut her off. I waved my hands together in a gesture that indicated she could close her legs, and then said, "That's really more about you than I need to know."
Professional? No. But then, I knew her game and this really wasn't an ambulance call - this was a free taxi ride to the hospital for free treatment and a free couple of hours away from the kids. All I can say is, that boil was an angry boil...
2. The Lodged Sex Toy - Imagine being summoned to the home of a woman whose boyfriend has called 911 and told the dispatcher nothing more than, "my girlfriend is sick." Upon entering the home, he points us to the bedroom and says, "She's in there."
Entering the bedroom, it's like the vaginal boil call all over again, but not as horrendous. This girl is buck naked, spread eagle on the bed, writhing in pain and pointing to her rectum. She desperately informs me, "It's still in there!"
Not wanting to make rash assumptions, I said, "What is... it?"
She explained that her boyfriend had inserted a sex toy and that it was lodged and causing her a great deal of discomfort. I could see that. She then assumed rectal exam position and proceeded to describe the object to me, as if I might find several things up there and she wanted to be sure I only removed the one that was hurting her.
She said, as she writhed, "It's... about... 3 inches long... and silver."
I told her, "Um... we're not trained to do rectal exams, but we'll take you someplace where they are. What hospital do you want to go to?"
We transported her to the hospital, but I still had the radio report to the hospital to give on the way in to let them know what we were bringing. These are the kind of radio reports that ER staffs never let paramedics live down:
Cranky: Medic 36 traffic Wesley Medical Center...
ER: Go ahead Medic 36.
Cranky: We're transporting a code white, 24 year old female with a .... sex toy... lodged in her rectum. The object is approximately 3 inches in length .... and... we see no sign of it on visual exam. Vital signs are within normal limits, ETA 10 minutes.
ER: [lengthy pause]
ER: [stiffling giggles] 10-4... Medic... 36.... we'll see you in... 10.
Posted by Cranky at July 06, 2002 12:09 AMOH MY GOD. Tess. I think I need a paramedic. I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard. Get. help. now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jodi on July 6, 2002 12:12 AMBA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my God. Oh ... my ... Gawwwwwd!
Posted by: Kelly on July 6, 2002 12:28 AMoh my god. oh... ow. it hurts to laugh this hard.
Posted by: kd on July 6, 2002 01:13 AMIF (that would be a big IF) I were to have ANY type of sex toy lodged in my rectum... I would have only 4 words to say rather than have to explain it to ANYONE...
Just... Shoot... Me.... Now!
Posted by: Troy on July 6, 2002 01:58 AMMwhahahaha! Oh my god. That's really all I can say.
Posted by: Michelle on July 6, 2002 07:51 AMGod you're funny, Tess! Thanks. Great way to start the weekend.
Posted by: Maurice on July 6, 2002 08:52 AMTess: I've been giving these people perhaps more thought than I "should", and there's one thing I've been wondering. Were any of them EMBARRASSED ("um, bare-assed"?) at all?
Also ... why the need for spread-eagling? What's up with that?
I need to lie down.
Posted by: Jodi on July 6, 2002 09:22 AMoh good lord. I dunno how you could be professional through all of that. I would have started guffawing. especially if I were in the ER and that call came through. that's just too hilarious.
Posted by: alie on July 6, 2002 10:11 AMThat's so funny, but eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! I can't even imagine either of those things happening to me, let alone calling an ambulance for it. Eeeeeeeewwwwww!
Posted by: Kim on July 6, 2002 10:35 AMyou know, aside from the amusement factor (which is quite high), i am also finding that this makes me feel very grateful that in my life i've never done anything so ill advised with a sex toy, or had to call an ambulance while naked and spread-eagled. life *is* good!
Posted by: kd on July 6, 2002 02:20 PMThank god my sex toys are made by Fisher-Price!
Posted by: Jodi on July 6, 2002 02:31 PMYou know, you really begin to dread those calls...
Very early in my career: my partner and I (and the entire engine company) enter the bedroom to the woman repeatedly screaming, "Get it out! Get it out!" ...and we're assuming the worst because she is in 'the position' as Tess has well described it.
It turns out though, that it's not the 'sex toy story' we were expecting; rather, it appeared that on the 'down stroke' (for lack of a better term) one of the springs on the mattress had broken and one end had dug into her inner thigh!
Oh, the poor dear was hurting so. ...and we needed to take the tension off the mattress so we could ease the steel out of her skin. So, imagine the scene as we have several crewman stand on the bed to force the closest springs down enough to get the pliers in to either cut it or rotate it out...
Oh, yeah, sometimes you can't even pretend to be prepared for what you walk in on...
Posted by: dan on July 6, 2002 04:15 PMDan understands. :)
Jodi, you're just weird. But in a good way. ;)
Kd - I live to make others feel better about their own lives. People coming in contact with me often say the same thing, "Gee... my life really ISN'T so bad".
Posted by: Tess on July 6, 2002 04:42 PMThe worst thing that I ever saw during my e.m.s.
career was on Christmas Eve several years ago, two elderly couples were driving home from a grandchild's Christmas pagent and lost control on an icy bridge. A grandmother was in the back seat and was the only one not wearing a seat belt, and was thrown 1/2 way out of the car with her head lodged between the car and the guard rail. I had to try and explain to her husband that his wife was dead, and there was nothing that we could do about it. The look of disbelief and anguish on his face still haunts me. (remember that Tess ?)
Yes, Chad, I remember it well. Mostly because you were forced to tell him what I could not. I remember very vividly looking at you and saying, "I can't tell him" and you very generously saying, "I will."
And then you prayed with him. I'll never forget it...
Posted by: Tess on July 7, 2002 02:17 AMAwww. What a sad story. :(
That's one part of the job that I can imagine *never* got any easier. You have a very tender heart, Tess, and you really feel other people's pain and losses. It must have made being an EMT extremely tough -- though that's probably also a big part of why you were so good at it.
Posted by: Kelly on July 7, 2002 09:35 AMIt's amazing the walls that get built up over time on that job, such that as long as you can keep working you're not really "feeling" at the time. That would come later, maybe, after the call was over, but never while there was something to "do". But in this case, there was nothing to do, and this poor man was so sweet and had been asking about his wife for several minutes while we determined if she was viable or not. I just found myself, in this case, unable to break the news to him and my buddy, Chad, stepped up to the plate and saved his "fearless" Lieutenant the duty. :)
Posted by: Tess on July 7, 2002 10:21 AMmy point was not which one of us told the man, but that the worst things were not seeing brains all over the street from a kid not wearing a motorcycle helmet, or the hair and teeth of a teenage girl imbedded in the front grill of a truck that broadsided her, but it's the human suffering that paramedics are faced with that is the hardest part. You get used to the death, but not dealing with those left to live.
Posted by: chad on July 7, 2002 04:06 PMI've forwarded a link for this to The Wife. She was a paramedic for 12 years and has lots of these stories -- horrifying and/or amusing. She'll like it here. As do I.
Posted by: Elaine on July 7, 2002 07:00 PMChad - an excellent point it was. Absolutely. I had no idea you were so deep. :)
Elaine - Welcome to the mind of a mad woman. I've enjoyed your site as well... :)
Posted by: Tess on July 7, 2002 07:19 PMjodi forwarded this to me and, again, i must say, like your mom, you're an amazing young woman! what wonderful things you've accomplished! amazing! keep up the good work in whatever you do! yes! i DO use exclamation points ad nauseum and, as you can see, i sometimes think i'm e.e. (as he's known among friends)! and yes! - you're right! my jodi IS a delight! thank you for acknowledging my previous comments - it was very thoughtful of you!
Posted by: anita/jodi's mom on July 9, 2002 07:22 PMOh. My. God. I'm dying over here. You are a brave woman for having your job!! -lol-
Posted by: Kristen on July 10, 2002 01:37 AMI really dont know how you do it??, I mean I know some people have no shame but dont you think they would try to keep this sort of thing quite by going to the hospital them selves. I suppose in the case of the 'lodged' item, she may have asked you to just change the battries
Posted by: Michael on July 7, 2003 05:03 AMAmen Sister
Posted by: Sam NREMT-P on November 9, 2003 09:36 PM