How to fake your symptoms and really fool EMS
(More true and amazing recounts from an actual paramedic career):

1. When you fake a Grand Mal seizure, don't forget to wet yourself. Seizure patients rarely keep control of their bladder while losing all muscle tone elsewhere. If you can bite half your tongue off before paramedics arrive, all the better.

2. Remember, when you claim you can't feel your legs, it generally bodes poorly for you to giggle like a girl when the paramedic scrapes the bottom of your foot with a pen.

3. If you try to convince the paramedic that the other driver has left you paralyzed, please understand that there is no such thing as paralysis only from the waist up, and that moving your legs while feigning paralysis of your arms makes you look like a complete rube.

4. If you suddenly collapse, unconscious, moments before being arrested, holding your breath to avoid the ammonia capsule won't do any good when the fine paramedic shoves it all the way up your nostril. Best to just do the time like a man.

5. When you jerk away from the pin prick while feigning paralysis, paramedics love to be funny and exclaim, "It's a miracle!" while high-fiving and praising the Lord. Try to be completely immobile, thus, being true to the term "paralyzed".

6. When faking blindness, well, just don't.

7. Asthma? Trust me... real asthma patients only wish they could muster the kind of Oxygen it's taking you to make that Horshack sound you're embarrasing yourself with so just give it a rest.