Some time ago, having been a paramedic for many years, I conceived the idea of a Mobile Sterilization Unit.

This unit, much like an ambulance, would have emergency lights, a siren and a gurney. Equipment would consist of just one item: a scalpel.

The MSU would be dispatched wherever stupid, fertile people existed. It would show no bias, no prejudice in its endeavor. Its utility would be felt from the lowliest of public housing to the wealthiest neighborhoods in town.

Staffing the MSU would be specially trained Mobile Sterilization Technicians (MST's), experts in performing emergency tubal ligations and vasectomies. Tax dollars would support its functions and pay the salaries of the MST's. The community tax payors would think it cheap at whatever the cost.

Callers to 911 would be screened. The dispatcher would have full capacity and authorization to (a) either send an ambulance, or (b) send the MSU. A typical 911 MSU dispatch call might sound something like this - please keep in mind these are ACTUAL 911 calls received in my career:

Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I was giving my baby a bath and there was this hair that was floating in the water. It got wrapped around my babies toe and turned it red! I removed it, but I want someone to make sure that the blood supply in her toe wasn't cut off for too long.

Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: My 10 year old daughter stepped into the shower, and see, the water was really, really hot so she jumped back out, but some of the water splashed on her head. Could you send someone out? I want to make sure she didn't injure her brain.

At this point, the Mobile Sterilization Unit would be activated. Upon arrival, all stupid, fertile residents of child conceiving age would be removed from the home, bound, gagged and sedated. Tubal ligations and vasectomies would ensue and then the subjects would be placed back in their homes, infertile and incapable of reproducing again. The numbers 9 and 1 would also be removed from their phones.

MST's would enjoy full benefits, 21 days of paid time off, the adulation and respect of many and a national holiday in their honor.